What is self-sabotage? It’s a frequently used term in pop psychology and the media. However, the meaning of the term and its implications are often shrouded in uncertainty.
Most of us have an “inner saboteur” or “inner critic” of some sort, lurking in the depths of our psyches. While there’s no straightforward way to prevent it from holding you back, you can address it with self-awareness and proper self-care. So, where do you start? These tips may help you to put a positive foot forward.
In this special guest post, Kyle Risley takes a deeper look at the tools and techniques you can use to dial down the influence of your inner critic, and empower more confidence.
Increasing self-awareness
Self-awareness requires practise. The ability to consistently understand your impulses, needs and emotions entails a regular intention to check in on your wellbeing.
You may wish to devote some time out of your day to self-reflection, and how you choose to do this is entirely up to you. Some people prefer to use techniques like journaling, while others may choose quiet contemplation and meditation. There is no one right way, however many have found self-reflective writing and meditation hugely beneficial.
The ultimate goal of a self-reflective exercise is to consider the events of the day and how you responded to them. Consider the following: What made you happy? What stressed you out? What irritated you? And most importantly, how did you choose to engage with those sensations? These exercises can help you to understand your motivation behind certain behaviours.
In reality, self-sabotage often comes from deep-seated, learned responses that can feel difficult to control. Therefore, by incorporating a deductive, or “top-down”, approach to understanding your emotions and behaviour, the roots of self-sabotage can become clearer, further allowing you to identify what serves you and what doesn’t.
If you want to change self-sabotaging behaviour, it is helpful to first observe and understand it, helping you to enhance your sense of control over your reactions.
Be kind to yourself
It can sometimes feel like your inner monologue can be your own worst enemy. Perhaps you’ve experienced one or many occasions when you berated yourself internally for a simple mistake? This is entirely normal - we can all be our own worst critic. However, a consistent barrage of self-deprecating thoughts can have a negative effect on your self-esteem, confidence and ability to persevere through challenging times.
A useful way to reverse self-deprecating thoughts is to imagine you’re saying the same things to a loved one - would you do that? If you catch yourself in a spiral of self-blame, you can try having an imaginary conversation with yourself as if you were addressing a friend or family member. What would you say to them to offer support and guidance? How can you reflect this language back to yourself?
This doesn’t mean you need to ignore challenging thoughts and feelings, it’s all valid and important to acknowledge. However, it can feel healthier to engage with your thoughts constructively and with self-compassion, further building your confidence.
Break down goals into actionable steps
Goals, even well-defined ones, can sometimes immobilise even the most motivated individual. It is a noble thing to have grand aspirations for yourself, however, defining your goals is only half the journey.
To truly instil confidence in yourself and start working towards your goals, you can break them down into smaller, actionable components.
An actionable goal is a desired outcome that has a clear starting point. For example, if you want to go back to education to get a degree, you could break that down into the following steps:
Research institutions that offer your chosen field of study.
Apply to the programme that appeals to you.
Plan your schedule to accommodate the amount of time you need to study each week, looking at how you can adjust your priorities to make room for this goal.
Work out a financial plan to pay for your courses.
Buy the stationery and textbooks you need.
Ask for any support you may need from friends, work, and family.
Start studying!
When your large goals are laid out before you in a series of achievable steps, they can seem far less intimidating. Every grand undertaking can be achieved with a greater sense of ease by taking it one step at a time. Even comparatively small goals can be approached in this manner.
Practise Mindfulness
Too often, judgement and fear can sit at the root of human behaviour. Mindfulness is a helpful way of quieting those negative voices, allowing you to make clear, rational assessments of yourself and your environment.
The philosophy of Mindfulness involves positioning yourself as an observer of your thoughts, feelings and emotions in any given situation, with kindness and self-compassion. Deep-seated emotional triggers and survival mechanisms can sometimes induce a stress response that puts you in defence mode, and so Mindfulness practitioners encourage you to observe everything around and within you without judgement. Emotional, sensory, mental, and physical sensations form most of your reality, and through practising Mindfulness, it is possible to train your brain and body to react more calmly and rationally to stimuli that may usually upset or unsettle you.
A successful way to practice Mindfulness is through meditation. In Mindfulness meditation, you are encouraged to sit or lie down, take deep, slow breaths, and simply observe internal and external sensations. All without a need to interrogate, understand, or judge them, allow yourself time to observe them and allow them to pass. Try to pay special attention to your emotions, especially the ones that may worry you. Once you allow yourself to observe them without judgement, in time they may feel less powerful.
Studies have identified several benefits of Mindfulness, including reduced stress, better relationship success, less emotional reactivity, improved focus, and stronger working memory.
Set micro-goals to boost self-confidence
A micro-goal is simply an aspiration that is quick and simple to achieve. It can be something as simple as organising your space every morning, or making time to work out regularly.
Setting the intention to do something healthy for yourself and following through on that intention can foster a greater sense of self-trust. In other words, by starting with small commitments to yourself, you may gradually begin to believe yourself capable of bigger ones.
Taking the next step
Whether you choose to start journaling, setting new goals, working on your inner monologue or practising Mindfulness, I hope that whatever you do silences that inner saboteur.
When you take the steps you need towards embracing personal positive changes, the long lasting results can be incredibly nurturing - it all starts with you!
Kyle Risley is the founder of Lift Vault, a free workout program resource.